I'd rather spend my time at work...

I've noticed from the beginning towards the end of my pregnancy, my idea of work has changed significantly. I would rather spend my time working. Ya know, like doing something productive. When I first got pregnant, I was scared that the excess of time that I spent there would be a detriment to my health, let along exhausting.

Come to find, it isn't terribly exhausting at all. Don't get me wrong, being on my feet all day does become tiresome. But I really enjoy being there, talking to people about life, and working hard for something that I really enjoy.... Food!

I spent 12+ hours today at work. Yah. I know, right? 8 hours bar tending, the other 4 hours working on an art project that I do every period. Even though, it's arts and crafts, it's still pretty annoying when things don't turn out the way I want them to. I don't know, I am tempted to try and get a different job after this little monster is born, but who knows... if my current employer proves to be worth my time... I just might stay. For the time being, I'll keep my mouth shut and work hard...

My absentmindedness has started to kick in, as well. Little things like, forgetting to label fruits for work. Forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge after eating silverware... Really stupid juvenile stuff that wouldn't be a problem if my intelligence wasn't being sapped by this little baby. Once he get's here, I'm sure it won't improve much, either. We'll see. Maybe I shouldn't blame my stupidity on anyone but myself.

Well, that's it for me tonight. I would like to write more, but I have a bit of laundry to fold before I can see the quilt on my bed.... I should get to that before I do anything else on this ever-so-distracting internet.

<3

WOW. Okay, I effin' completely forgot about Blogger. Haaaa, wow.

So much has happened in the last few months, it isn't even funny. Looking back on it all there is quite a bit I'd like to change, but no life is perfect, right? Of course not.

I honestly can't not live here. I belong on the west coast. Any other place seems like the only area in the world where I really feel a sense of belonging. Despite the fact that non of my biological family lives here, I have a strong connection with my close friends. They are my family.

I am grateful for what I have, even if it isn't a whole lot of anything. A roof over my head, a job that I can stand, a boyfriend who loves me and has stayed by my side despite EVERYTHING that had gone terribly wrong, an unborn baby boy growing in my belly... My son... He is going to be the best birthday present I have ever gotten ever. I can't wait to meet him. Believe me, I am terrified. Of doing something wrong.... Of all sorts of little things, and I think that's natural... What if he doesn't like me? I know in my heart I can be a good mother... It takes experience, right?

I have fallen in love with afternoon naps, ice cream, movies from Red Box, Pandora Radio, picking out baby clothes and not buying them.... There is so much going on in my life I can't help but be excited and scared for the future. I just really hope I don't mess this up...

There is so much I've read through in these past entries that was so far from the truth. Just an angry me, hoping to find an escape for some sort of decreased sense of self.

I think my baby wants some ice cream... I should appease his craving, no?


More to come, soon. I hope.

Busy, busy, busy.

So, yes. It's been quite literally over a year since my last update. I forget what it's like to type a blog. Or whatever you want to call this thing now.

I have too much to say and little time to say it.

Started a band a couple months back. We're playing our first show on Saturday. I'm really excited, mainly because it's an opportunity to express myself through music again. It's been such a long time since I've played in front of an audience. I'm a little scared. Don't tell anyone though, will you? Colter, our drummer, is an intelligent and compassionate person who I have grown quite fond of. Our practices together on Wednesdays are lovely and insightful. Michael, the boyf, plays bass for us, and is a spark plug as usual. I hope that this project brings us closer together as a trio and also expands our musical knowledge.

My world right now is upside-down. It seems like, bit by bit, things are falling into place but at an extremely slow rate. I am ready for everything to happen all at once, but I don't have the patience to wait for it. This is something that I have been meaning to work on for a very long time. I have found that my irresponsibility as a human being and a friend has cost me many things in the last few months. It is time for me to up the ante and get the job done. I can't keep sitting around and waiting for things to happen. If I want it, I have to go get it. Capisci? (Which, when translated from Italian to English, means "You understand?")

Regardless of my Italian language knowledge, (because, if you must know, I used the Interwebs to find the correct spelling of Capisci) I am ready to take on the day. Tomorrow is a new and exciting day full of new faces and old aquaintences and I for one am not going to be caught up in the storm and high tide. I know in my heart that I am a good person, with good attributes and a strong affinity to take care of the people that I love. Just don't fuck with me. I will cut you.

Time for bed.
Big day tomorrow.

Damar's Sunrise Farm

I could never get sick of this place. The fact that there is so much beauty here. And space to think. I couldn't ask for anything better in a time when I can't decipher the things that I've created for myself, and the things that just happen.

The sunrises and peeks into the bedroom window at 5:00, or just a bit later. Roosters are crowing outside in the yard. 15 acres of openness and freedom, waiting to be explored. Three horses, Jury, Reignera, and Seattle Red, run out in the gated pastures. The hens lay eggs, and we've got 8 new baby chicks hanging out in a cardboard box in the Great Room here in the house. The names of the new additions have yet to be determined... But they're all adorable. Lovelace, Sophia, Mumbles... I don't remember the names of the other 5... but they're all lovely either way.

The cats, Tabitha, Sketch, Amensia, and Buffy all have wonderful personalities. Sketch, the only male of the bunch, seems like he would be quite the gentlemen if he were human. Many times when I look at him, he reminds me of Hugh Grant. Or, Russel Crowe. You know, the kind of guy that would bow to you and pull you chair out when you went to dinner. Amensia is the prissy princess of the group, finding a bed in any chair or lap and expects you to pet her when she arrives there. Sweet and cuddly, however, she is one of my favorites. Tabitha, is the coolest cat of the four. She sits on the ledge next to the sink and watches people make food. Very calm and centered, she'll bump heads with you as a sign of affection. She and I get along wonderfully. Tabitha is sitting in my lap now, purring loudly, stretched across my legs. Buffy is pretty much the Anti-Christ. We call her Buffy, The Kitty Slayer. She's killed two of our other cats, as she is extremely territorial and does not like it when new felines arrive to the house. My two cats, when we moved them from Goffstown to here in Grafton, were murdered by this vicious beast of a feline. RIP, Rikku and Mateo.

As for the rest of the house, David, the only Man here, aside Sketch and Seattle, sees this place as his palace and he is the King. He is cordial to all his guests and comforting to all those who need it. Amazing man, and I love him dearly. My mother rules all and there isn't much to say about her aside from the fact that she is my best friend and I tell her that everyday.

I love it here. And I wouldn't leave. If I could take it with me whereever I go, I would. There are only so many in the world that do this for me... Take me out of my element. Mom said it best the other day, "This place takes you out of yourself and forces you to be alone, with yourself." It's true. You have no other option. You must be you. Period.

Love it.


/sigh.

I need to get back to work. Time for Web programming. Mmmmm. Not!

Blegh.

I have felt like this all day.

This is a face of someone who is so apathetic. And so distanced from herself and her surroundings.



This is not who I really am.











Unfortunately, there really isn't much that I can do about any of this right now. More than absurd is the fact that I have a paper due in less than 12 hours. I have a job orientation in 8 hours. And I should sleep for at least 4 hours. But knowing me... I won't go to bed for another 45 minutes. I will rummage through old pictures, and cry.

I don't like feeling this way.
I don't like knowing that there is something wrong and I just have to

wait it out

for it to get better.


I will be alright.
But I must give myself time.
C'est la vie.


Yes.
Such is life.

are you ready for this?

i cant really say that i had a very productive day. it was more or less just a big jumbled mess of trying to figure myself out and decide what i really want out of my life. this life is so unpredictable and one thing that i am learning is to be grateful for spontaneity. it's hard enough as it is to not be positive in this world that is constantly changing.

i could honestly say that my life is going really well.
although i am really nervous about what is going to happen in the near future. i am ok with this. nothing is ever easy. nothing that you ever want is easy. i am so excited about the things that i want to do in the next 3-6 months.... i just need to know that what i'm doing is the right thing.

you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.


so...here goes.